Barney's Subtle Meanings
by Qk
Summary: There's a reason the 'Barney the Dinosaur' show and PBS have stayed on the air so long, as a certain CEO finds out... AU Oneshot


I Knew it was all Brainwash!!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and thankfully I do not own Barney.

D/N: Ah... yes... well, this just sorta came to me... I wanted to show that Barney was evil and all that, so I decided to write this. (Eriso: HEY!! DID ANYONE NOTICE THAT BARNEY GOT A NEW VOICE??!!) ... No, Eriso, because we're sane and do not watch those kinds of shows. (Eriso: ... What are you implying?) Nothing, Eriso. Go back to your show. (Eriso: YAAAAAAAAAAAY, BARNEY!!) ... She has a small mind... Hmm... I bet you're all wondering why Seto Kaiba? Well, doesn't he seem like the sort of guy who would get suckered into watching Barney?

I'm sorry I only know one line of the theme song to Barney the dinosaur. I stopped watching it when I was four! And I don't know much about the opening, only that there's a plushie of Barney in the park where a bunch of kids are playing, then they start singing and using the powers of 'love and friendship' turn Barney into real life.

OOOOOOO

"I'm so glad you're _finally_ going to spend some time with me, Seto!" Mokuba beamed. "Come on, let's go watch some TV!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "Mokuba, I said I was going to spend some time with you, not spend all day watching TV."

Mokuba looked up at him with big, wobbly eyes and starting to whimper. "Please, Seto? My favourite show is about to come on! It's only 30 minutes! It won't take up too much time!" Mokuba begged.

Kaiba tried to resist, but try as he might, Mokuba's little act worked like a charm on him, as it usually did. Sighing, Kaiba replied, "Alright. 30 minutes, but then we go do something productive." Mokuba nodded vigorously, and then led his older brother into the living room and turned on the TV.

There were a few commercials, and then it switched to a bunch of kids playing in a park. Suddenly, fanfare started, and then lyrics came on.

"_Barney is a di-no-saur or our image-in-ation... !_" The kids sang. "_It's always good to steal secrets and email them to us when they're from the United Nation!_"

Kaiba blinked. Did he hear what he thought he just heard? "Couldn't be..." he muttered.

"SHH, SETO!! BARNEY'S COMING!!" Mokuba cried.

Sure enough, there was the little stuffed dinosaur that magically changed into a big, walking, talking dino. "Hey-hey, kids! Did you remember to give your parents lots and lots of hugs and kisses and take a few bucks from their wallets and send them to us?"

"YES, BARNEY!!" The kids called out, happily. "WE ALWAYS GIVE OUR PARENTS HUGS AND KISSES!!"

"Well, good!" Barney chortled. "Well, everyone, today we're going to have a super-dee-duper game! It's called a 'Scavenger hunt!'"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!" The kids said in awe.

Kaiba glanced over at Mokuba. He was completely mesmerised by this show. Kaiba looked back at the TV. His ears were playing a lot of tricks on him... Maybe he'd turn on the closed captions, just to make sure that he wasn't going completely insane.

Pressing a few buttons on the remote, the captions turned on. Mokuba didn't complain. He was too entranced by the purple dinosaur.

"Barney," A little girl asked, "What's a 'Scavenger hunt?'"

"That's a TERRIFIC question, Katie!" Barney exclaimed, as he seemed to do with every sentence. It was hard to believe that something as idiotic as this was considered 'educational.' "First, I give you a list of things you have to find, and then you have to bring them to me! The first to find all of the items wins a _special prize_!" Barney pointed at the camera, to gesture that he was 'talking' to all the boys and girls at home. "And _you_ can join in too, everyone! Just read the words of the items that are of some items that are usually lying around you house, and then send them into us! Don't worry, we won't ask for anything important! It's never a good idea to give away things that are important!"

"That's right, Barney!" Mokuba, along with the TV kids, chanted. "We're ready to play, Barney!"

"Super-dee-duper, everyone!" Barney said. "Now, the first thing on the list is a _rubber band_!" The words 'rubber band' flashed on the screen. "You've got two minutes to find one! Go, kids! Find a rubber band!"

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "It's foolishness. As if someone would actually participate in-" Kaiba looked over to where Mokuba was sitting, and saw that his little brother was no longer there. "Mokuba? Mokuba, where are you?"

"I FOUND ONE BARNEY!!" Mokuba called out, running back into the room. A rubber band dangled in his hand.

"Great job, you guys!" Barney told everyone enthusiastically. "You've all found the first item! Now, I need you to find a _big envelope!_"

Mokuba rushed off again, faster than the speed of sound. Kaiba just shook his head. It was so annoying. During the time when you were supposed to find something, Barney would sing and dance.

"_It's always to give your mom and dad some help around the house, because then you can take their money and send it in as quiet as a mouse!_" Barney sang, joyfully, rainbows and butterflies splashed onto the background, as cartoon animals danced around happily. "_And then when you send in as much money as an envelope can hold, go get a nice, brown, cardboard box and send in all your parents' gold!_"

Kaiba was now sure that something was up. For some reasons, the captions had shut off, so Kaiba went and turned it back on to listen in. The singing was continuing, and Barney sang happily, "_Make sure you get your parents a nice card for their birthday, but don't forget to use their money and send in the change from a hundred dollar bill in today!_" But on the captions was written, "_La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Nice feelings come when you're nice all day!_"

"Hmm..." Kaiba thought to himself. "I guess I'm hearing it wrong."

Mokuba rushed back in. "I FOUND AN ENVELOPE BARNEY!! I FOUND ONE!! LOOKIT!!" Mokuba waved around the big, yellow envelope.

"Wow, kids! You're doing great! The next item is a _pen_, or a _pencil_!" The words 'pen or pencil' flashed onto the screen, as Barney began singing again and Mokuba took off. "_Make sure you know where your parents' money is, so you can send it in and get prize, kids!_"

"The captions shut off again..." Kaiba muttered. Turning them back on, Mokuba rushed into the room, waving his pen.

"Super-dee-duper job, everyone! Now, write down the words that come onto the screen on to the envelope!" Barney instructed, as an address appeared onto the screen. "_Make sure your envelope's not that small, so when you put money in, you get it all!_" The captions said, "_You're doing great! I hope you're having fun! Good luck to you guys, and you're almost done!_"

Kaiba shook his head. Something was amiss. "It's a _kid's_ program! They wouldn't use this show to scam kids into sending them money!"

"Ok, kids! Now you've got to find as much money as you can that's in the house, and put in it the envelope, put a stamp on it, and then put it in your mailbox!" Barney told everyone, but the words, 'Find another pencil!' were what appeared on the screen.

"THAT'S IT!!" Kaiba cried out, jumping up, as Mokuba ran off to do what was instructed. "I'm shutting this off!"

"Hey, Kaiba! Don't touch that dial! You wouldn't want me to be _sad_ now would you?" Barney asked him.

Kaiba blinked again. "Now I know I'm losing it..." he muttered to himself, and continued to reach for the power button.

"HEY, LISTEN TO ME, SETO KAIBA!! IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING AN INCH CLOSER TO THAT BUTTON, I'LL COME DOWN THERE AND SHOVE A STICK DOWN YOUR THROAT!!" Barney snarled, using a completely different voice.

"Uhm... can't the other kids hear you?" Kaiba asked.

"Oh, of course not. This is a completely different broadcast than the ones the others see. They're still playing the 'Scavenger Hunt' and sending in that cash!" Barney explained. "Now, you little snot! Get away from that TV!"

"I'm changing the channel!" Kaiba told him, and flipped stations. The same thing was there. He kept flipping the channels, but the program didn't change.

"I _told_ you this was a different broadcast!" Barney said. "You can't escape this! NOW GET AWAY FROM THE TV!!"

"You're corrupting my little brother to steal from me!" Kaiba snapped.

"Well, technically, it's not _stealing_ if he's willingly giving it to us!" Barney shrugged.

"HE'S NOT!!" Kaiba roared, shutting off the power. Unfortunately, the TV turned right back on.

"Hey! Cut that out! Or you'll be sorry!" Barney warned him, as Mokuba ran back in.

"I'M BACK, BARNEY!! I'M BACK!!!" Mokuba cried.

"Way to go, everyone! You've completed the Scavenger Hunt! You've all won a fabulous prize!" Barney said, slapping on the 'hubby-dubby-love' voice that he was previously using.

"WOW!! A PRIZE!!" Mokuba jumped up and down in excitement. "WHAT IS IT BARNEY?! WHAT IS IT?!"

"You've won... LOVE!!" Barney said, stretching his arms out as hearts floated all around him.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!" Mokuba cheered. "I won love!"

"Well, boys and girls, I have some very sad news." Barney said, in a depressed voice. "It seems PBS has to drop us off the air because they don't have enough funding."

"BARNEY!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Mokuba and the kids around the world wailed.

"But don't worry!" Barney told them, seemingly cheering up, "BECAUSE YOU CAN HELP!!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!" Mokuba cheered. "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO BARNEY?!"

"Well, you have to ask your mommy or daddy or your older brother to call the PBS number and donate to us $10,000!!!" Barney instructed.

"SSSSSEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOO!!!" Mokuba hollered.

"AHH!!" Kaiba jumped. Mokuba had some serious lungs on him! "I'm right here, Mokuba! You don't have to yell!"

"SETO!! YOU HAVE TO DONATE $10,000 TO PBS OR ELSE THEY'LL GET RID OF BARNEY!!" Mokuba screamed.

"Mokuba, I don't think-" Kaiba began.

"I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO THINK, DAMMIT!! DO!! DO!! PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THEM!!" Mokuba roared.

Kaiba's eyes were as wide as dinner plates. "Uhm... Mokuba... I really have to talk to-"

"THE PBS CORPORTION!! LESS TALKING!!!! MORE DONATING!!!!"

"Mokuba..."

"DONATE THE MONEY BEFORE I START TO HOLD MY BREATH!!"

"Hold your... _what_?!"

"I'M GONNA HOLD IT!!"

"Mokuba!"

Mokuba took in a deep breath of air and clamped his mouth shut. Kaiba just stared at him. He'd give in. Eventually.

"Mokuba... seriously... cut it out." Kaiba sighed.

Nothing.

"Mokuba... I'm warning you."

Nothing changed, except for a blue-ish tinge creeping onto Mokuba's face.

"Mokuba. Enough's enough."

A deeper blue.

"MOKUBA!!"

Now Mokuba's face was turning red...

"OKAY!!" Kaiba cried out. "YOU WIN!! I'M CALLING THEM!!" Mokuba let out his breath and began to breath again. "Damn you, Barney..."

Dialling a few numbers, Kaiba grit his teeth.

Oh the things a fictional dinosaur could do to him...

OOOOOOOO

OOOOO

OOOOO

D/N: Hmm... It's not as funny as my other oneshots, but I'm in a bad mood because MY SCHOOL HAS RETARDS IN EVERY CORNER!! THEY KICKED HALF OF US OFF THE BUS THAT WE NORMALLY TAKE BECAUSE WE WEREN'T 'ON THE LIST!!!' (Eriso: O.o Whoa! Breathe, woman!) SHUT UP, BEFORE I START BEATING YOU WITH A HAMMER!!! (Eriso: -.-;; I wouldn't put it past you...) But anyways, REVIEW!!


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